I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph. — Shirley Temple
If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labour Day Weekend. — Doug Lars
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it. — Bob Hope
I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that! — Tom Lehrer
I was going to buy a copy of “The Power of Positive Thinking,” and then I thought: What good would that do? — Ronnie Shakes
It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every 12 minutes one is interrupted by dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper. –Rod Serling
Somewhere on this globe, every 10 seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child. She must be found and stopped. –Sam Levenson (1911-1980)
Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor well-done. — Ernie Kovacs
Always remember this: If you don’t attend the funerals of your friends, they will certainly not attend yours. — H.L. Mencken
A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author. — G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936)
Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the United States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the 9 millimetre bullet. — Dave Barry
This isn’t right. It isn’t even wrong. — Wolfgang Pauli,
Today you can go to a gas station and find the cash register open and the toilets locked. They must think toilet paper is worth more than money. — Joey Bishop
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody’s there to appreciate it. — Franklin P. Jones
Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that’s REALLY BAD for you. –Tommy Smothers
When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty. –Norm Crosby
The imaginary friends I had as a kid dropped me because their friends thought I didn’t exist. — Aaron Machado
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. — Henny Youngman
The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver. — Jay Leno
It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose. — Darrin Weinberg
Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life in which you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. — Fran Lebowitz
A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin. — H.L. Mencken
It ain’t so much the things you don’t know that get you in trouble. It’s the things you know that just ain’t so. –Artimus Ward, 1834-1867
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